JERK NOTES

I'm now in the first year of treatment for a diagnosis of Autism Spectrum behavior. I'm "high-functioning," it's called Asperger's Syndrome. Memories since the diagnosis are to be avoided because my memory sucks. This is part of the syndrome. Stress from always losing things has resulted in my wife insisting I put my wallet, keys, and magic-get-into-the-door-at-work card in exactly the same place (if I remember to) so that she doesn't have to deal with me ransacking our apartment frantically. It's stressful for her. I don't like it either but I used to think I had no other options.

Today I watched the movie "What the $%@@& Do We Know?." It's interesting. You should see it. I'm only going to write about the parts that I think relate to my diagnosis. Here it is: neurons! It turns out that mental habits are the result of neurological connections in the brain that are strong and well established, creating "grooves" in the brain that are fast moving and difficult to change. An obvious suggestion should you feel you have a bad groove is to consciously behave differently when that bad old groove would normally be active. It can be hard to change these behaviors because not only is it awkward and slow building new neural networks, but there is apparently a kind of brain assumption about existing grooves, existing neural networks. Beyond feeling clumsy trying to build new stuff we also feel uncomfortable not using the existing stuff.

Some of the people in the movie actually referred to this as an addiction. I like that. It might help those of us who feel superior because we're not alcoholics/heroin-cocaine-etc addicts. Turns out everyone's brain's neural networks include a few addictive qualities. They may be harmless but they are just as needed as the alcoholic's booze. Actually it seems implied that all such nervous dependencies are dysfunctional because they require a one-size-fits-all life to work. Life is not like that. I have no problem whatsoever understanding this cause and effect when considering the daily news. It is obvious when someone else is doing a bad thing because it's a habit; Israel/Palestine, Iraq-Afghanistan/USA, terrorism, Catholic priest child sexual abuse. Those are dramatic, sure, but I assume there are myriad much smaller things we do each day and all day that are habit based and indeed accumulate to cause harm.

The Autistic brain is said to have structural deficiencies in at least two spots. One is in the "social brain" and the other is in the frontal lobe where -- among other things -- we have our "executive function," which is where we organize and prepare. So "spectrum" people often are socially inept and bad at planning or being organized. There are few if any existing structures automatically available for developing normal or exceptional social or organizational skills in your basic Aspie model. There are exceptions when the spectrum person hits on a special interest but then it's the case that absolutely ALL of the minimally available noggin materiel can be completely directed at fulfilling the demands made by the special interest. Under those circumstances I bet the spectrum individual is even less capable of social/organizational activities. That person will be even ruder, even messier, even more forgetful.

I am in need of neurons. I need the ones that will make social interaction pleasant, make being touched ok, make planning possible and make completing tasks I don't like possible. The ironic thing here is that in order to build such structures I must willfully do these things I'm so terrible at and which frankly hurt to do. They hurt because I lack the machinery for doing them. It's a catch-22. Going forward I am left to do things that hurt because eventually they won't. I am not looking forward to pain and it is clear today that I can unconsciously sabotage the change-effort.

This first diary note is too long. No way I can write this much and be interesting every time. Sorry. And writing is not a special interest of mine. Being able to work at home is, so if I can learn to write well perhaps I'll eventually be able to write for a living and work at home. So every time I write a Hub it hurts at least a little. I hope after writing this entry I will have more brain stuff for being able to write for a living.

You can tell me how to write better so I can work at home. You can send me money too (joke). Thanks for reading.